Hilarious Hate Mail

It’s been an interesting few months. It’s the first time I’ve slowed down enough to calmly take solid inventory of my life, my work and my direction. Since Dave Ross, my former co-host, left the show in March, I’ve experienced a marvelous uptick in how many people hate me, my work and my show. It nearly matches how many hate emails I received over bringing on a co-host in the first place. 

I’ve learned something deep in my butterfly place from this and it has toughened me. Forever and ever I will know that I cannot please everyone. And when I evolve, as we humans tend to do within our lifetime, some people’s expectations about what I provide them as a humongous sex nerd will not be met. Apologies ahead of time.

To my delight, I received a miserable email yesterday from a listener named “J R.” Take a gander:

“Hey, I’m a straight male who recently heard about your podcast and was excited to try it out. Sadly, it was incredibly useless. Like almost every other supposed ‘sex-positive’ resource, it has nothing to help me express and enjoy my sexuality.

Not only that, but you were stunningly oblivious to the double standards you were stating: I seriously doubt you would have spent the same amount of time discussing the merits of various fake vaginas, advocating for public male masturbation during the daily commute, and having an extended conversation attempting to help men get laid off of Craigslist. 
As usual, you’re a sex-positive feminist who is vastly interested in all types of sexuality except those of the average het cis male. Your guest in the first episode complained about the lack of male attendance at the cunnilingus classes – perhaps if you and her could take a fraction of the time you spend discussing vibrators and apply it to figuring out male sexuality, you’d know why they aren’t coming and how to get them to attend.”

I find this email hilarious, though I am not laughing. For all the mental effort I’ve put into using inclusive language and varying podcast topics, this gentleman presents proof of my shortcomings by citing my very first episode. The episode I was terrified of. The one where I was naive enough to record it in front of a live audience. HILARIOUS. 

This email brings to light how much time I’ve spent on cis-hetero-male sexuality. Episodes like “Prostate Play: Take it Like a Man,” “The Penis Power Hour,” “The Man Box” aside, I acknowledge male bodies and pleasure almost every episode, possibly to the detriment to other orientations and genders! I even shot a video celebrating the Tenga Masturbation Sleeve at a time when I was unbearably shy about shooting videos at all. 

So, this letter is welcome. It let me take a moment to survey my work this last while and feel like, yeah, I may beat myself up at times for not being perfect or the best or the most anything other than me, but damn it, I’ve been true to us. All of us. I try. And I keep trying.

Thanks J R and thanks to everyone who has supported me along the way. 

SAME DAY CLARIFICATION: Since this post is receiving an interesting variety of comments, let me say this:
  1. Dave is great and I appreciate the body of work we’ve created together.
  2. To the haters: I am utterly happy with where I’ve arrived with my most recent 2 episodes. Either catch up or shut up. 
  3. To the Listeners: Thank you for your lovely comments! Keep being kick ass. I learn from you all the time and am humbled by our engagement. Much love.

17 thoughts on “Hilarious Hate Mail

  1. Men like jr tend to think themselves sex positive when really, they’re looking for more girls to be up for degrading themselves in public places to please them. He’s looking for someone to tell him, “getting a blow job on the bus is awesome!” And continue up worship his penis loving brain!
    I personally from my experience have found, most men are more prudish in the bedroom and expect the girl to be ok with whatever they wanna do! I am a defiant sub, I will always be defiant….(maybe its cuz I’m kinda a Dom) I wanna be allowed to PLAY when it comes to sex, I don’t wanna be like “oh yes, I’ll suck your cock and we’ll have hot sex… But I will not dare touch your bum…”
    I like playing with boys bums! I LOVE it in fact! The feeling of complete power is stronger with a finger in a guys bum then with your mouth on his junk!

    Man did I ever get off topic!
    Back to my point, people like JR just want a penis worshiping sex positive view, not a vaginas are just as awesome kinda view! So I say tough cookies jr, some of us love you more then they ever will! ( that was my point right? At this point I’ve completely forgotten!)

    Anyway! Love always!
    Purple watermelon!

  2. Some people only hear what they want to hear. As they say “You do the best you can, the best you know how and that is all that matters”. Quite frankly as a male I’m more interested in how to please a woman, I know how to please myself. If she is pleased you will be pleased so that is the angle I’m interested in and have been learning about.

    Just my two cents, keep up the great fascinating work.

  3. Oh god, where do I even start? I’m so sick of this “WAAAHH what about teh menz?” argument. Look around you, man: The entire world is a collective ode to white het cis male sexuality. Because you (and by you, I mean people like JR of course) and society at large see your sexuality as being the norm and the standard by which all other sexualities are measured, any attempt at inclusiveness of other gender identities, sexual orientations, ethnic cultures, etc. is met with a cry of “exclusiveness” because god forbid, we should talk about any other forms of sexuality that don’t explicitly apply to your life for one goddamn second. Our spaces do not necessarily have to include you all the time because your spaces are PRETTY MUCH EVERYWHERE ELSE. *deep breath* Okay, rant over.

    More importantly, Sandra, I would like to say that I think the show has actually improved since Dave left. Nothing against Dave, I loved the show before he left also, but I find it much more focused and on-topic now that it is just you and your guest. I found Dave’s obvious discomfort over certain topics (i.e., anal play of any kind) very distracting. And for the record, Dave’s “criticisms” of you in his goodbye episode were bullshit and only reflected his own issues. But when it comes down to it, my opinion along with everyone’s doesn’t really matter because you’re providing a service for free. I know you care a lot about your listeners, but we are not paying for it and thus have no say. So keep doing what makes you happy, and I’ll enjoy listening to it no matter what.

  4. I’m glad you could take this hate-mail with perspective. It’s so unfair that he judges your entire work based on one podcast, which also happened to be your first. I hope he listens to you more recent podcasts to realize what a jerk he was for judging you prematurely. I love your podcasts and have found them very interesting.

    I feel like you make an effort to showcase many different perspectives and I am proud to admit that I have been challenged by some of your topics. I value having my worldview challenged and since I belief I am a relatively open and accepting person, the fact that your podcast COULD challenge me on my worldviews shows to me that you are “looking outside the box”. You are an inspiration!

  5. Hey just as a side note to the comments here. Don’t be hating on Dave. He told his opinions in a public format and they are his opinions, hes not hating on sex positivity but he did have somethis to say about some of the things. I think of myself as an open minded person and very much so sex positive but like Dave I do not agree with some of the choices that are made. Mostly because they are not for me, but I don’t look down of people for making them.

    As for this letter don’t worry on it to much. People are always going to hate. If he had such a problem with the supposed lack of male sex information I wish he would have wrote it out more politely. It would be nice if people could keep on mind that even if you are open minded you still identify as a woman and not male and therefore can not fully ever understand their point of view. I on the other hand thought that you touched on a lot of “male” related information that has helped me understand my boyfriend a little bit more in bed and our relationship. In sure he would thank you too 😉

    I’m glad your not going to let this get you down Sandra! I love your show and have learned so much from it and I have taught others what I have learned from you and the love just keeps on spreading as they teach their friends.

    Love me ❤

  6. This particular email is pretty douchey but I personally haven’t liked the direction of your show since the loss of Dave Ross. It’s hardly what it used to be, which is a pretty negative way to put things, but that’s the truth from my perspective. What really let me down the most as a viewer was your episode with James Deen. You had an hour to spend with this monolithic porn star who has SO much to share! He’s made the transition to Hollywood, some debate he makes feminist porn, and there’s a lot of chatter behind how he’s the first pornstar that a lot of women want to actively watch – and yet!! You spent the entire episode talking about sandwiches and things that are completely irrelevant to sexuality. The ONE time you brough in a listener question, James brushed it off with a really flippant response that you didn’t delve further into. You didn’t even bother to look into his background, which is really irresponsible for an interviewer. You seemed to act cute and flirty about it but it was such a letdown.

    I’m also not a fan of all of the added sound-effects – it makes the podcast seem low-budget and kitchy. And of course, I miss Dave Ross’ input. It was a different perspective than yours, but things seemed to stay more on-topic than they do now. I haven’t listened to a full podcast of yours since over a month ago. I’m just really disappointed with the direction you’re taking.

  7. Hey Sandra,
    People are always going to have different views, so try not to feel bad that you, or anyone else for that matter can keep everybody happy all the time. I enjoy your podcast, I liked Dave being there, I also like it with just you and a friend. Also, the intros you do are pretty funny. I hope to come to America one day and do a nerdist/smodcast tour and see all my favorite podcasters. Please keep being awesome.
    ❤ Michael.

  8. I listen to your AWESOME, INCREDIBLE show when I go on road trips, so I tend to miss several episodes, then catch up in one big swoop. When I found out that a) Dave was leaving, and b) you were getting discouraging hate mail about it, I was really hurt.

    I think your show is FANTASTIC. I’ve recommended it to several people, and it has given me a lot of insight and confidence to pursue my dream of becoming a sex educator. You are a role model of mine, and your attitude and passion are a big motivator.

    Forget the losers. Don’t let one mean email distract you from the 100s of adoring fans you have. Keep up the good work. Stay strong. Fuck that noise.

  9. Last thing:

    I am POSITIVE that Prince had people giving him shit about Purple Rain. Don’t listen to haters. Rock on.

  10. I’m glad you are taking all this feedback and using it to reflect on where you are in life. I was of course sad to see Dave leave, and wasn’t surprised to see it take a few weeks for you to find your groove again. Personally, I thought James Deen was an asshole who dominated the conversation and never let you finish a thought – I’d have been flustered if it were me. And yet, you kept going, and when you brought another porn star on, I was as impressed by Jessica Drake as I was turned off by JD. Again, last week’s episode was packed with great info, and I can’t wait for this week’d episode to post! I’m proud of you for staying true to yourself and so glad that you keep on keeping on. I’ve listened to (almost) every podcast so far and will continue to look forward to our time together each Wednesday during my work commute. Keep being you, Sandra. 🙂

  11. No idea if this message reaches you, but if so, please don’t let the haters get to you. I’m a sporadic listener (I don’t have an active sex-life at the moment, but what I’ve listened to did help me figure out myself a little), and I’m happy your podcast exists. So please, realise that people that dislike things are generally more loud than people who like things. Which sucks. Which is why I’m writing this.

  12. First – what kind of jackass judges a podcast with over 80 episodes by only listening to the first episode?

    Second – although I’m loathe to admit it, I’ve actually shared same the same sentiments of the aforementioned jackass (although, not with your show, but with some people in the “sex-positivity” community). That said, it’s stunning that someone that claims to be sex positive would reply in such a angry, juvenile way. Whatever happened to maturely stating complaints, then offering sound suggestions? That whole praise-upgrade-praise thing?

    Finally – I love your podcast and have learned more from it than I can recount. Keep up the great work!

  13. Sandra,

    I am a fan of your podcast and what you have done so far. I have to say that the “break-up” episode was probably one of the most real that you and Dave have done together. I like Dave and his comedy and I thought you two had really good chemistry. But I think the role of “straigh man” sex positive outsider for Dave had run it’s course of would have been quite tiresome.

    However his questioning some aspects of “sex positive” and polamory were quite good and I would have liked to see more discussion between you two on that. I think it would have been interesting if Dave had stayed on the show and continued in that way.

  14. Hang in there, Sandra. I think you’re great. You set a model example of how to be a strong (and free!) woman and it’s 100% clear how much effort you put into trying to include everyone and cover all the bases in your podcast.

  15. Hey Sandra, you sex nerd you-

    I listen to Joe Rogan all the time, which led me to Chris Ryan who in turn led me to you. I’ve heard 2 of your recent podcasts (orgasms and perving with whoever). You’re doing just fine. You make me smile and you’ve educated me a bit, which is a trick since I’m a know-it-all.

    You could improve the podcast (I think) by just getting into it. Recording the podcast and then adding an intro strikes me as redundant over-production (I could be wrong).

    Also, since I’m giving free advice, bail on wordpress.com and go to wordpress.org. It’s the anarchist in me, but Jeesus do they like to control how you post comments. If you’ve been on the web long enough and you’re stupid enough to forget random platform identities (guilty) WP.com makes it tough to comment. (For example, I tried to post this comment once but WP.com says I’m signed into the wrong account and demands a p/w, I enter the wrong one, it takes me somewhere else, so I try with Twitter, etc, – small hassle, big pet peeve).

    Those are mere quibbles. Any shame fighting sex positive bright light is a net positive to this troubled world. Keep giving ‘er! We need more talk like yours.

Nerd out here & at the Sex Nerd Sandra facebook page!

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