Happy Steak & a BJ Day! Got Reciprocity?


dog steak bj day.jpgIt’s exactly one month after Valentine’s Day and you know what that means. Yep! And when it’s Steak & a Blowjob Day, I can’t help giggling about angry people.

Yes, while this carnivorous joke-of-a-holiday originated to payback  dudes bitter over all the roses and chocolate they shelled out for last month, I laugh. LAUGH, I tell you, because if you feel this way, what you’re telling me is that it’s time to geek out about the economics of love.

So, if you hear about Steak & a BJ day and think…

“Fuck that! That asshole doesn’t deserve that after all the stuff I’ve done.”


“Finally! The one day a year I might get something back.”

… then perhaps you’re suffering from a lack of reciprocity in your relationship.

Reciprocity – according to my laptop’s dictionary: “The practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit, especially privileges by one country  or organization to another.” 

In personal relationships, it is a felt currency and a value system more than a transaction. It’s the economics of compliments, household chores, career support, gifts, sexual pleasure, tolerating  each other’s relatives, and a million other gestures each person values differently.

And just like money between friends, it can get weird. Sure, you know picking up the tab is no big deal because it’ll even out in the end, but what if you notice they never pay the check? Do you speak up? Or do you continue to pay and feel increasingly resentful toward your friend?

Let’s look to helpful internet articles for more details:

To create a reciprocal relationship, both partners need to be able to accept responsibility for that creation… When two people decide to develop a healthy, interdependent, reciprocal relationship, it is wise for them to take the time to talk about their personal value system and what characteristics they believe create a healthy relationship.” ~”Relationships and the Importance of Reciprocity” by Anne Ream, ATR-BC, LPC via GoodTherapy.org

So speak up! Be an active creator in the relationships you are involved in. Because if you’re not, this might happen:

The lack of reciprocity, that is, the knowledge that you are not loved by your beloved, usually leads to a decrease in love intensity, and ultimately, to humiliation.” ~”Will You Give Me Love in Return?” by Aaron Ben-Zeev PhD via Psychology Today.

Ugh, humiliation. Great fetish. Not a great real-life situation. So let’s aim toward balance and hopefully next year these hearts and steaks on our calendars will merely be playful reminders to take extra time in the kitchen and bedroom.


REVIEW: So what basics to take away about relational reciprocity?

  1. In healthy relationships, it balances out over the long term.
  2. It’s a barter system where each person has unique wants and needs.
  3. If an imbalance emerges, it is felt more by the person on the sparser end.

Look, I learned this concept in my Human Sexuality 101 class. This is some basic life shit, my friends. Hope it helps, and I hope you have a delicious Steak and a Blowjob Day (or Pi Day [or Pie Day {or National Napping Day <or Monday>}]).

See you on the internet.

Posted in sex

2 thoughts on “Happy Steak & a BJ Day! Got Reciprocity?

  1. Another thing to keep in mind: in Daniel Kahneman’s mond-blowing *Thinking, Fast and Slow,* he explains that he and Tversky were able to show that we’re all biased toward overestimating our own contributions and underestimating others’, no matter how honest or decent we are, because of a mental shortcut he calls the “availability heuristic.” Basically, the easier it is to think of an example of something, the larger my brain estimates the category to be. This is done unconsciously by “System 1,” so it’s unavoidable. All I can do is stay aware of the bias and revise my estimates consciously.
    It’s easier to think of the last thing I did for my partner than vice versa, so the bias is toward overestimating how much I do and underestimating their contribution. Conversation helps a lot–IF you can have the conversation, which many people find pretty awkward.

    Anyway, I’m really looking forward to the Sex Buffet class tomorrow!

  2. Reciprocity is a state of mind, not strict balancing of accounts. If I stuck to a strict “one orgasm for me, one orgasm for her” budget, she would have hardly any fun at all! (And neither would I, since most of the fun is in sharing all that lovely energy flow). Gotta love them multiple orgasms! 😉

Nerd out here & at the Sex Nerd Sandra facebook page!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s